Earth Day?

THE WATER REVOLUTION

OF 2016

This is a parody of the future -- a world in which water replaces diamonds as a luxury item. You can find this coming reality in the fine print of deeds and contracts that put our public resources into private hands. 

by Raphael Rice, rafirice@hotmail

By the year 2014, years of war, unchecked pollution and global warming have left most of the world's fresh water supplies severely diminished.

North America is in dire straits except for Vermont, New Hampshire and Quebec...

which have pristine water sources protected by the most severe industry and land-use codes in the world.

Inspired by surging prices and out-of-state investment dollars, local landowners with springs and "Blue Gold" rights move quickly to take profits.

Incomes go from trickle to flow, as VT turns a new shade of green and NH decides to "live free and consolidate" with shiny corporate banners and a flourish of public service promises.

These corporate entities begin reaping billions of dollars in profits, dwarfing those of Exxon & friends during the 2nd Gulf War.

Meanwhile, the rest of the nation is reeling under the inflationary pressure of water prices that fluctuate wildly due to market speculation, politics, threats to the water supply and other seemingly unrelated events.

APRIL 7, 2014:

Disgruntled employee at Maple Water Corporation releases toxic waste. MWC pays $50,000,000 in fines but takes billions for the quarter in windfall profits.

JULY 4, 2014:

Party of teenagers busted at Green River Reservoir. Burlington Free Press, now a subsidiary of Friendly Farmer Inc., reports they were seen peeing in the water.

SEPTEMBER, 2014:

A grainy photo of the Lake Champlain "Monster" surfaces; fuels concerns about the mutative effects of toxic waste. MWC is fined another $50,000,000.

OCTOBER 8, 2014:

The press upgrades "Blue Gold" to the "Wet Diamond," making ice everyone's new "best friend."

NOVEMBER, 2014:

Having been inundated with poor immigrants from New York and Massachusetts seeking jobs, social services and water; legislators in VT & NH shore up public budgets by passing retroactive windfall taxes on all "Wet Diamond" revenue. The water industry is offended; prices double.

December 7th, 2014:

During a rousing Pearl Harbor day speech, President Cheney, who had humbly accepted his own nomination in 2012 as a last-minute Republican ticket replacement for an increasingly befuddled and

senile John McCain, reassures water lobbyists. He says that he will challenge the legality of the VT & NH tax code and veto any attempt by congress to enact similar federal legislation. Cheney also prepares Americans for the tough choices they will face in confronting the growing threat of militant fanaticism in the Amazonian River Basin.

JANUARY 15th, 2015:

Senator Barack Obama is finally able to prove that a damaging photo, which shows him giving a Black Panther Party salute at the Million Man March in 1995, was just him standing next to John Kerry at a rally in 2008. He also announces he will run for president again.

His first campaign promise is to pass his Four Point Pledge; a plan to protect captive consumers who have no choice but to rely on water and other privately owned natural resources for their health and livelihood. Obama builds support for his position by calling profit-driven private controls over public resources, "a formula for public vulnerability in the best of times, and a potential crisis of epic proportions during the worst."

The Four Point Pledge:

1) Seizure, by eminent domain, of all water resources

2) State partnerships with commercial water distribution companies

3) A full examination of similar actions to be taken regarding other captive consumer industries; primarily oil and the burgeoning bottled oxygen industry

4) An affirmation of free-market principles in the form of low- interest small business loans to be funded by the first three years of nationalized water revenue

THE REACTION

The Council Of Freedom-Loving Americans To Elect Anyone For President But Barack Obama, Who Doesn't Like Freedom, saturates the media with a relentless Anti-Obama campaign.

On Election Day 2016

Supported by Mamas everywhere, Obama wins the election by a landslide; losing only the six electoral votes of Vermont and New Hampshire. Both states threaten to secede but soon get distracted by the nations new and unexplained addiction to maple syrup.

All water and oil resources are nationalized and decriminalized by constitutional amendment six months later, as 70% of the world's nations had already done by 2008.